Be More Responsive and Less Reactive With Mindfulness

Mindfulness and mindful meditation. They’re all the rage right now, but what exactly are they and why should we care?  

Mindfulness is another way of referring to awareness.  

Mindfulness is paying attention and being in the present moment and doing it intentionally and without judgment. Mindfulness meditation is a meditation practice that invites awareness of thoughts, emotions, and body sensations.  Do you need to meditate to be mindful? NO. Does a consistent meditation practice help you to become more mindful? YES.  

One of the benefits of both mindfulness and mindful meditation is that we can become more responsive and less reactive. During meditation, we have our point of focus and we notice as thoughts, feelings, sounds, or sensations float in and float out.  We can sit and observe, or we can react. Sometimes meditation can be challenging. We have disturbances and irritations that interrupt our focus. Our meditation practice is a microcosm of our bigger emotional lives. We have daily disturbances and irritations that interrupt our flow. We can learn to respond in more positive and productive ways.

How does what we experience in meditation translate into our waking life?  

Think about when we have an itch on our arm.  We react by immediately scratching. We don’t even think about it.  We just dive in with a scratch to relieve the itching. But what if we didn’t scratch right away? What if we paused for a moment and were curious about what an itch actually feels like?  What are the characteristics of that itch? How much surface area does it take up? Is it a strong or mild sensation? If you had to draw a picture of the sensation, what would it look like? How long does that itch last?  In denying ourselves the scratch for quick relief, does our stomach tighten up? Do we become irritated or anxious? Pausing and being curious about this itching sensation give us choices. We can scratch, or we can wait to scratch. We can see how long the sensation lasts and perhaps ride the wave as the itch lessens in intensity. We can notice how long it takes to disappear. 

Now let’s think about a more challenging situation that could pop up in our life. 

Can you think about a time when you’ve been reactive?  Maybe you are in line at the grocery store and the person in front of you is moving slowly, taking their time, and chatting away with the clerk. You think, “What are they doing? Don’t they know this  unacceptable?” You want to scream “Stop talking and hurry the *$#! up!” That’s being reactive. Instead of screaming (just like immediately scratching that itch), you could try to be curious about what’s going on inside of you. Why are you angry and frustrated? Why are you feeling anxious about this situation? Maybe this is the third time this week that you’ll be late to work, and you might lose your job.  Maybe you have a splitting headache and just want to get home and lay down. Maybe you think holding up the line is disrespectful. What really matters is that this situation is charged for some reason and it’s really bothering you. How are you experiencing this anxiety in your body? Is your throat tightening up? Is your heart rate increasing? Are your palms getting sweaty? When you take some time to examine what’s going on with a situation that’s charged in some way, you can actually slow yourself down.  If you’re running late, is screaming at someone going to get you there any faster? Can you do a quick body scan or breathing exercise instead? Can you look for the absurdity in the moment? Choosing something different is being responsive instead of reactive.  

Pausing and choosing a different response is being mindful.  

In addition to becoming less reactive and more responsive, other benefits of mindfulness and mindful meditation are reduced stress, improved emotion regulation, increased focus, and increased empathy.  Practicing mindfulness meditation can lower blood pressure, decrease anxiety levels, and help promote clarity in thinking and perception. 

 Why should you care about mindfulness?  Why wouldn’t you? Simply put, mindfulness and mindful meditation help to support, enhance, and strengthen our physical and mental health and can assist us in living happier, healthier, and more fulfilled lives.

What's the difference between a psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor, therapist, social worker...I'm confused?!?

Doctor, PhD, psychotherapist, counselor - when searching for a mental health professional, how do you know who to  choose? There are so many choices out there,  and how are you supposed to know the difference between the myriad letters that follow people's names?  Take me for instance - Kathy Hawkins, MA, LPC, LAC, ADS. What does all that even mean?  I hope to clarify all of this for you so you can make an informed decision now and for your future therapist needs.  And just a heads up, the clarity isn't really all that clear unfortunately, but bear with me.

Psychiatrist (MD) - these are medical doctors that specialize in mental health.  They went to medical school. They can prescribe medication.  These days they do a lot of medication management and not a lot of therapy, except for the ones that do.

Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner (NP) -  they went to nursing school.  They can prescribe medication. They do a lot of medication management and not a lot of therapy, except for the ones that do.

Clinical Psychologist (PhD) - this is a doctor of philosophy in clinical psychology.  These people did not go to medical school.  They got their PhD.  Testing and research are their jam, although, some still do therapy too. They cannot prescribe medication.

PhD - this is a doctor of philosophy of something.  Just because a therapist has a PhD, doesn't mean it's in psychology, so always look into what the PhD is in.  I could be Kathy Hawkins, PhD, LPC, LAC, ADS and you might think I'm a psychologist and you might be wrong.  I could have a PhD in Geophysics, which doesn't have a lot to do with psychology, and still be a therapist  because of the LPC, LAC part.  A geophysicist might do therapy, but that would be illegal.

LPC - this is me, a licensed professional counselor.  You have to have a masters degree for this one.  We work with individuals, couples, families, adults, kids, whatever. We do therapy. We don't prescribe medication.  

LPCC - this is a licensed professional counselor candidate.  They are working towards licensure but aren't quite there yet.  They do therapy. They do not prescribe medication.

LCSW - this is a licensed clinical social worker.  You have to have a masters degree for this.  You can have a PhD in clinical social work too, but that doesn't make you a clinical psychologist.  Social workers often work for agencies and coordinate care for people including mental health and physical health, and they get people hooked up with resources like shelter, food stamps, domestic violence help, etc.  They orchestrate it all. AND, they  can still do therapy too.  They do not prescribe medication.

LMFT - this is a licensed marriage and family therapist.  They work with couples and families and anything resembling a  relationship.  They also work with individuals.  They do therapy. They do not prescribe medication.

CAC I, II, III, LAC - this is certified or licensed addictions counselor and there are 4 different levels.  I'm a licensed addictions counselor.  To be a LAC,  you have to have a masters degree.  To be certified, you don't need a masters degree. This is a specialization for addiction issues. 

L.Ac - this is a licensed acupuncturist.  Not to be confused with LAC, which has a big C and not a little c.  Acupuncturists poke you with needles.  They went to traditional Chinese medical school.  They don't prescribe western medications, but some prescribe herbs.  They aren't therapists, but often do therapy because Chinese medicine doesn't separate the mind from the body.

ADS - this is an acupuncture detox specialist.  Me again.  This is not an acupuncturist but a person that is certified in auricular or ear acupuncture.  So I'm certified to poke you with 5 needles in each ear.  Auricular acupuncture is good for general well-being.  It's very relaxing and can help with cravings.  You have to be a licensed professional of some sort (see all of the above) to be able to train and get certified in auricular acupuncture. Not all ADS' do therapy.

COACH-  a person that helps someone get from point A to point B in a very directive way.  This differs from therapy, but that's a different blog post.  A therapist can also be a coach, but a coach doesn't have to have a counseling background, and there are not very many requirements to be a coach.  In fact, anyone can call themselves a coach if they want to.  There are coaching certifications, but they aren't regulated, so be careful about choosing a coach.

BARTENDER- a person that listens to people's problems.  They may or may not have a masters degree or a PhD, but they usually aren't licensed.  They prescribe cocktails but do not prescribe medication.

BARBER/HAIRSTYLIST -  see above.  They are licensed to be a barber or hairstylist. No prescribing of booze or drugs. But hopefully you'll look good when you leave.

That's a lot of confusing information.  This certainly doesn't cover everything about each designated credential, but it covers the highlights. 

 Some important things to consider when looking for a therapist are:

·         What are your goals?  What are you looking to find out and/or accomplish?

·         Do you need to see someone who prescribes medications?

·         Do you need any testing done?

·         Do you need a specialist?

DO YOUR HOMEWORK AND MAKE AN INFORMED DECISION.

SHOP AROUND AND ASK A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

I hope this helped.  Let me know if I can help in any other way.

The Happiness Jar

Towards the end of 2016 I heard Elizabeth Gilbert talking about a new ritual she had started - a happiness jar. I was intrigued. I keep a gratitude journal but this sounded a little different and I thought I'd change the usual practice up a bit. The original intent was that at the end of each day I would write down something that made me happy and/or that I was grateful for that particular day. As always with New Years' resolutions, I was going to do this religiously every single day without fail.  Well, that went to shit pretty quickly. I started out with a bang, and then slowed down considerably, but I still ended up with quite a full jar in spite of my perceived failure. I wrote down anything that happened on any given day that made me feel happiness, joy, contentment, or gratitude, or just simply stood out for some reason. 

 Lesson #1 - It doesn't have to be perfect to still be valuable and good.

 Lesson #2 - Failure is in the eye of the beholder.

Lesson #3 - There will be lessons.

I decided that I would sit down and read all of my torn pieces of paper today, this first day of January, 2018. I wanted to look back at 2017 and remember all the magical things that happened. Some might think that 2017 was a shit show - I being one of them - and how could I possibly remember any positive happenings throughout the year, but we all have a choice as to where we want to focus our attention, and I wanted to start the year with fond memories of goodness, kindness, and beauty. I always tell clients - The world/life is hard and ugly and unfair, full of pain and hate and atrocities. The world/life is beautiful and wonderful and abundant, full of love, beautiful people, and amazing experiences. Same world. Where do you want to spend your time? You can't live on one side without the other peeking through, but you CAN choose to spend more time in one area than the other. WORDS TO LIVE BY, IMHO.

I've tried to limit the time that I spend in the back alleys of negativeville. Let's face it - it's unavoidable.  With intention and a lot of hard work, I find myself hanging out more frequently in the wide open spaciousness of positive city. Therefore, in keeping with my chosen destination, what better way to begin 2018 than by reading my golden nuggets of happiness and gratitude from 2017 on this New Year's Day morning.

I've been looking forward to this for the past month. I was so excited to read all the things I'd written about throughout the year and couldn't remember because it's been so long. I laughed and cried and everything in between as I read these tiny folded gifts. 

Definite themes emerged as I began to read these treasures. Connection was big. Time spent with good friends and family. We can sometimes take this for granted but the time we spend with people that we love is energizing, comforting, and gives us reason to soldier on during the more challenging times.  I felt so much pride in witnessing others'  accomplishments. Their celebrations of love. The mourning of those that have passed away. Running into old friends. Making new ones.

 Lesson #4 - Connection in one way or another really is what it's all about.

An unexpected  theme that presented itself was encounters with random strangers. I ended up having quite a few of these  encounters. They were all delightful and touched my heart in countless ways.

 I met Dance Cellah in San Diego. An older woman that has been traveling the country for 40 years in a vibrantly painted van spreading the word of the Lord. 

Dance Cellah

In the early morning at Mission Beach, Richard would meticulously carve in the sand a variety of lyrics to different songs, or prose from great literature . He wasn't a big talker, but watching his fastidious nature was a sight to behold.

Lyrics from Cats in the Cradle

Richard Making Magic

I ran into Bruce and his beautiful parrot Jasmine in front of the capital one day. These beautiful creatures were as friendly as could be and Jasmine even perched on my shoulder for a bit. Bruce makes extra money by letting people get their photo taken with Jasmine. 

Bruce and Jasmine

The unnamed employee at Ace Hardware that went above and beyond to help me fix a faucet issue.  I was frustrated and felt dumb because I didn't know what the hell I was doing. With his kindness and patience, he changed the trajectory of my day.

I had the pleasure of an extensive conversation about nothing in particular with an older gentleman standing in line at a coffee shop.  Just a friendly and lovely soul.

Lesson #5 - Strangers rock!

 Aspiration #1 - Have more encounters with strangers!

Another notable theme was work related. I frequently wrote about how grateful I was to be a witness to the difficulties that people I work with choose to share with me. I also repeatedly wrote about their wins.  The good days.  Their triumphs.  It's both humbling and amazing to get to be present as people share their life experiences with me. I am in gratitude daily for this, and am reminded yet again how much their brave and vulnerable sharing impacts me in  positive ways. 

The biggest surprise theme in this little endeavor was all of the mundane happenings throughout the year that made such big impressions. So many days I was grateful for a beautiful sunset, or a day where I cleaned the entire house. Walks with the dogs, seeing a woodpecker, the crispness of the air, going for a run, a wondrous blue sky, the roof over my head,  hot baths,  the dog that pokes his head out of the window and cries as we walk by because he wants to say hello so badly. A kind word from a friend.  A song I haven't heard in a long time. The discovery of a new song.  Accomplished goals. The 2017 Painted Lady butterfly infestation that lasted for weeks and was so fucking amazing! Seemingly little, inconsequential things that were consequential enough to somehow register at the end of the day. 

The dog that wants to say hello

Painted Lady butterfly

Lesson #6 - You will be surprised.

I also realized that quite often I reflected on how when something bad had happened, I was always grateful that it wasn't ten times worse.  I felt very content - A LOT. Happiness is not something that is sustainable 24 hours a day, but contentment is.  Contentment is  when things are okay, despite the highs and lows.  I'm okay. Things are okay. Today was a good day.  

Lesson #7 - I have a lot to be grateful for and joy is abundant despite current happenings.

I will continue this ritual going into 2018. I can't wait to see what I'll have to be grateful for moving ahead and the lessons that I'll learn.  I invite you to try this. It's not a big investment but the ROI is off the charts.

Happy New Year!